Thursday, July 16, 2015

Motherhood Chose Me and I Chose Life.

It was September 30, 2008. I had been married for 17 days. I had been sick for nearly a week of those 17 days when I decided to take a pregnancy test before I went to the doctor. I was on "the pill" and had been taking the same prescription for nearly 3 years. I wasn't supposed to be pregnant, but knew a pregnancy test would be the first thing a doctor would want to do when I presented my symptoms. I wasn't about to pay a doctor $50 for a test I could do on my own for $5. I peed on a stick and waited.


I took two more tests. Positive. Positive. I called my ob/gyn (I had been in for my yearly about a week before my wedding, they would have noticed I was pregnant, right?) I desperately wanted her to prove the test wrong. She said to come in and she would run a urinalysis. I peed in a cup and waited. Within minutes, my world was turned upside down as I learned I was suddenly a mom.

I wasn't ready for kids at that point in my life, hence the pill. I wanted to be married for a few years before starting a family. I wasn't done being selfish and pursuing my dreams. Yes, I had always dreamed of being a mom, but not yet.

Also, if I'm being completely honest, I was embarrassed. Anyone who could do math would quickly learn I conceived my child prior to marriage (August 28, 2008 to be exact.) In high school, I took a purity pledge, I was going to save myself until marriage. I was proud of this promise and made sure people knew about it (because that is what "good" Christian girls did...) I made it until college, not marriage. I felt shame because now everybody would know I didn't uphold my pledge; I didn't want to tell people right away. My husband was over joyed and wanted to share the news with the world.

Not My Choice.

I could have said nothing to my husband. I could have said nothing to anyone else. I could have secretly "taken care of the problem" and continued living life the way I planned. My body, my choice, after all, right?

Nope. Not for me.

Even with my not being ready, even with all the shame I was carrying, I recognized that tiny babe growing in me was, in fact, a life. A life that generated from my choice to engage in premarital sex. My choice created his life, but to take his life was not my choice. It would have been entirely unfair to punish that baby because I was "inconvenienced" and "shamed."

7 Years Later.

Fast forward nearly 7 years later. I'll be honest, life at 30 is not what I had planned at 20. And that mothering thing? Yeah, it's a whole lot harder than I ever conceived. I am exhausted and emotionally worn. I have put many of my dreams and aspirations on the back burner while I attempt to pour out what little I have into those boys of mine. (Oh, yeah. My second child wasn't planned, either. And he came at a time of turmoil. Could have been "easy" to excuse away a choice with him, too...) I have no social life outside of Facebook and can't tell you the last time I got to "just go" somewhere without planning and prepping (diapers, snacks, toys, car seats...)

Yes, there are times when I daydream what it would be like to be childless, well-rested and live in a quiet, clean home. But when those boys wrap their arms around my neck, when they give me slobbery kisses, when they draw me pictures, when they seek me out for comfort, I know in my heart of hearts that I would never choose to not have them in my life.

The two biggest unplanned. life-changing events in my life have turned out to be my two greatest blessings. I didn't chose motherhood when it came upon me, but every day I look in the beautiful blue eyes of my boys, I am so thankful I chose life.

The walls of my home are covered in scribbles.
The walls of my heart are bursting with love.

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