sunrise, sunrise...

Have you ever watched the sunrise at the Grand Canyon? I have. It is quite possibly one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had. It has been nearly 4 years since that morning, but the details are still so vivid in my head, it feels like it was just the other day.

When my husband and I married, we decided to take a Route 66 road trip to California for our honeymoon. Our plan was to just experience the road as it came to us, with only a few "have to do/see" things on the list. We spent half the honeymoon camping in various spots across the country (we also spent a night in the Wigwam Motel in Holbrook, Az.) My favorite spot was the Grand Canyon.

I lived in Arizona for the first 13 years of my life and never saw the Grand Canyon. I told my husband when we were on our honeymoon, we had to go because we would be so close. I wanted to see the sunset and the sunrise at the Grand Canyon.

Our first glimpse of the Canyon was just before the sun began to set. Unfortunately, our vantage point did not offer much in the way of an amazing sunset, but the scenery was breathtaking. I wanted to stay there forever. It was even more wonderful than I had always imagined it to be. I was very eager to see the sunrise the following morning.

After a wonderful evening by the campfire chatting with a lovely German couple we met, we set the alarm for an early rise and I went to bed as anxious as a child for Christmas morning. I was woken before my alarm to a horse walking around the campground. I had not realized there were horses living free in the Canyon and was very excited to be greeted by that.

I stirred my husband and we drove from our campground to a local lookout point. What we first thought would be a perfect location for watching the show quickly became overcrowded by a very noisy group of international tourists. Rather than allowing them to take away from the beauty and serenity of it all with their incessant chatter, we drove to a lookout spot that was actually just a cliff. No rails, no sidewalks, no people.

We crawled down the side of the cliff and found a rock that made for a good seat. The next 45 minutes or so were filled with awe as we watched the sun wake the Canyon. As the sun rose higher and higher, the colors became more and more vibrant, bursting with life. The Colorado River glistened in the morning light, beckoning the wildlife for a cool morning drink. The cool morning air slowly warmed as birds took flight to the sky. The only noises we heard were those from the Canyon waking or the occasional exclamation of amazement that slipped from our lips. It was as though we were the only two people in the world and all that beauty was handcrafted just for us. It was everything I had always hoped for and more. I couldn't stop praising God for the beauty of His creation and the perfection of that moment.

I was going to share a picture, but none of the ones I have do it justice. To be fair, my words don't do it justice either. It is just a memory I love to revisit often, because it is so perfectly beautiful. I pray I will again have an opportunity to see the sunrise at the Grand Canyon. (I could very easily be a morning person if I could see that every morning.)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012. (creative title, I know...)

Back again. Staring at this empty screen trying to figure out how to reconcile my head with my heart and use it to create a coherent sentence. Fighting off the desire to excuse yet another lengthy absence. Wondering if anyone will even read what I have taken the time to force upon the keyboard.

Meh.

I hate when I don't write on a regular basis. The more time that passes, the more pressure I feel to write something amazing. WARNING: If you are looking for amazing, you will be disappointed.

I, however, am amazed at how my brain seems to quiet itself only upon preparing to write an entry. Thousands of thoughts flitter through my head on a daily basis, jumping from topic to topic, but I get on here and I have nothing.

Well, nothing is not entirely true. There are still many thoughts, but the ability to share them seems beyond me at this moment. There are so many things on my heart, but I am unsure of how to share them without leaving myself too vulnerable. I do not enjoy feeling vulnerable. It scares me. If I think about it too much, my heart begins to race and my palms get all sweaty. I would rather give an impromptu speech to a stadium full of people than feel vulnerable.

Want to hear something ironic? I just deleted everything I had typed after that last sentence because it began to segue into something that made me feel too vulnerable.

Ha! I am ridiculous...

I guess I could talk about the weather. Hot.  Or baseball. Awesome. But they will cover all that in weather and sports on the 10:00 news (happening now in the Central timezone) so I suppose I will leave it to the professionals and put an end to my ramblings...

Lessons from Motherhood

Four years ago, I celebrated my very first Mother's Day with my husband and my 12 day old son, whom had come home from the NICU a couple days prior. I will always remember my first Mother's Day, as I am sure all mothers do. I know I am still a "new" mother in many ways, but I feel I have already learned many valuable lessons over my few years as a mommy. So, in honor of all the mother's who have come before and as an encouragement to those who are following the footsteps, I share with you some of the pearls motherhood has taught me.

Being a mom has taught me...
1. ...how to love and appreciate my body.
I will forever remember the couple weeks after delivering my son. I had delivered via an emergency C-section and continued to wear the gauze "underwear" the hospital had provided to prevent irritation on the gash across my midsection, with these I was still wearing a mattress an extra-large "lady" product to catch the excess blood-flow and extra-thick pads in my nursing bra (when my milk came in, it came in,) showering was only occurring every few days, so I smelled of breast-milk and spit-up; yet, in that moment of feeling the least physically appealing I had ever felt, I was owning my womanhood. My body was amazing to me, it had produced an incredible little person who had stolen my heart the very second I met him. To this day, I have a heightened appreciation and love for my body.
2. ...there really is no use crying over spilt milk. Early in my mothering days, I accidentally spilled 4oz of milk I had just pumped. I began to cry. Then, my husband and I began laughing because I was literally crying over spilt milk. And you know what? The milk was still spilt and the world didn't end. Motherhood is messy. There are exploding diapers, middle of the night vomit-fests, muddy hands, bloody knees and countless pounds of food that end up everywhere but the mouth. In those moments, you put on your big-girl panties, take a deep breath (sometimes hold it,) roll up your sleeves and get messy. Any other response, is just wasted effort.
3. ...to roll with the flow. You can plan and schedule all you want, but you are only in so much control. More times than I can count, my plans/schedule have been messed up by an illness, an accident or some other toddler emergency. My original plan for this Mother's Day weekend: Saturday- clean house, do laundry, pre-cook Sunday's dinner; Sunday- church, relax with my boys, baseball. How my weekend went: Saturday- spend all day taking care of a sick child; Sunday- cleaning, multiple potty-training accidents (involving poo!), a steak dinner (grilled by the hubby) and baseball. Not exactly as planned, but I actually had a great weekend.
4. ...to have a deeper appreciation for my parents. This one was surprising to me, though it shouldn't have been. I have always loved my parents, but I failed to fully appreciate their humanity until I, too, became a parent. Especially during my selfish teenage-years, it was too easy to hold my parents faults against them. They were parents and they should be perfect, after all. But I have come to realize how wrong my thinking was. They are just as human as I. Not only that, but when I think about how much I love my son and how much it would break my heart if he grows up and acts foolishly, I realize that maybe, just maybe, my parents weren't all that wrong in some of their decisions and rules...
5. ...to have a deeper appreciation for Christ. "For God so loved the world, He gave His only Son..." John 3:16 I think of the love I have for my son and it is a gut-wrenching thought to think of losing him. And to give him up for death that others may live? To have him suffer for an undeserving, unappreciative world? I couldn't do that. But God could. Because He loved me so much more than I love my son. Even when I act like a tantruming 3 year old, He loves me.






(I intended to make this cute by putting in pictures, but my blog is being difficult right now, so just text...)

an explanation of sorts...

Been away for awhile again. There is a good reason for my absence, though it may only make sense to me.

My life is full of "fluff." My profession requires me to daily engage in superficial pleasantries and less-than-deep conversations. I have a toddler that goes 90mph from the time his feet hit the floor until bedtime. Many days, I wonder if diapers, dishes, laundry and taking care of the animals are the only hobbies I have. It is very easy for me to get lost in a routine that requires no deep thought.

This blog gives me an outlet for that. I have tried to post the "fluff" blogs and it just leaves me feeling empty. (Disclaimer: I don't think there is anything wrong with the "fluff" blogs. I just have enough fluff in my life, I don't need another spot to fill with it.)

When I come here, I desire to expose a deeper part of my heart.

The last few months, I have been processing a lot of deep thoughts. My heart and mind have been stretched and tried. Many times, I wanted to share, but I just couldn't find the words. I knew I would be left feeling empty if I posted something that wasn't on my heart, so I stayed silent.

Last week, I was listening to a sermon and heard the preacher say, "Sometimes, we need to be silent to be able to learn what we are being taught."  I feel that best explains my silence.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

(Friday evening, I went to a retreat with the women of my church. Psalm 46:10 was our verse for the weekend.)

long time, no write

Wow. How long has it been since I have been on here to write? A couple weeks? More? I am not sure.
I have thought about it a couple times, but it never went beyond that. I haven't been spending nearly as much time on the computer as I had been in my "Facebooking" days; with each day that goes by, I find myself with less and less desire to sit in front of the empty glow of the computer screen. The time has been filled, instead, with being more active, spending more time with my husband and son, spending more time with God and, even sitting quietly with nothing but my thoughts to distract me from the silence.
I didn't realize how deeply the Internet had me sucked in; taking a break from Facebook was just the catalyst to reveal that truth.
I was living a pseudo-life through the Internet, forgetting life was speeding by me all the while.
I am not guaranteed tomorrow. I don't want to waste today on the computer.

lunchtime ramblings...

I am sitting at a Pizza Hut in a town I do some of my marketing. I only come to this town once a month or so, as it is one of the furthest corners of my territory and I spend a day driving to make just a few calls. I always enjoy coming to places where I don't know people, it makes for interesting people watching.

Confession time.

I often times fall victim to the sinfulness of vain thoughts. Too frequently, I get caught up in what my eyes reveal to me; more often than not it is negative observations. For example, just now, I glanced at a couple who walked in the door and was instantly drawn to the excessive amount of hair on the gentleman's shoulders. I am the person who notices body weight, acne, bad hair days and poor clothing choices. I am not proud of this trait. Many times throughout my life I have been taught that a person's beauty is not seen through the eyes, but I never have been able to successfully look at someone without seeing the imperfections of their physical beauty. This is something God has been working on me with lately.

As I was looking at this gentleman and his shoulder-hair, I was convicted. It was pressed very strongly in my heart that God designed that man and his hairy shoulders with as much care and precision as he designed me and my freckles and curly hair. All of creation has been designed by the meticulous hand of God, who am I to question the beauty of something just because my feeble mind cannot fully comprehend God in all His glory? Who am I to deem God's creation unattractive just because I do not find it aesthetically appealing? Some people find freckles and curly hair unattractive, does this mean I am not beautifully made by the hand of God? No.

I suppose all these years I have been wrong. I knew it wasn't about looking at the exterior (even though I still did,) but thought it was about looking at what was on the "inside." That was also the wrong view. My eyes should have been focused on God; when I look at the world and the people of it through the lenses of His love and mercy, I can clearly see the beauty in all the works of His hand.

an update of sorts...

Wow. I knew I hadn't written anything on here in a while, but I just checked my last post: February 1! I haven't written the entire month of February. I have wanted to a few times, but this month has just been a little crazy. A few things worth noting:

1. Last week, I had a blow-out on Tuesday. Then, the spare we put on to get us through until Friday decided to throw it's tread and go flat as I was pulling into the drive a day later. =( I got to spend the remainder of my week using my hubby's work van to do my marketing in... Fun stuff. =)
2. I have given up facebook for an undetermined length of time. It was just becoming too much for me and I realized it was stealing from my family and my relationship with God. That was an unacceptable situation, so I cut myself off last Wednesday. It has been difficult and I am realizing just how much time I have spent on facebook. More than I am proud to admit. I intend to go back on, eventually (it keeps me in touch with so many of my family members,) but my time will be very restricted when I do.
3. My husband and I celebrated our 9th Valentines' Day together. I made him his favorite dinner, we shared a wonderful bottle of wine and spent the evening playing chess. Yep, my husband and I play chess; it's one of the reasons I married the guy.
4. My son's language devolpement has taken off. Every day he is saying something new. Communication with him just keeps getting easier and easier. He is still learning sign language to help supplement the verbal and it is just amazing how well he can communicate with us compared to 7 months ago, before we had his tongue fixed. He has also taken off in learning other things (which he never had a delay on...) He can identify, by pointing and naming, the colors Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange, Brown, Black and Purple. He can repeat to us all of his letters when we go through the alphabet, can identify by pointing and naming all of his letters and he can identify numbers 1-20. He has shown an interest in learning Chess and can identify by pointing and naming all the pieces; he even has taken to "playing" Chess and will get the board set up by himself (not all the pieces in the right order, but a good try.) He is very creative as well as athletic. He loves playing baseball and has shown a natural ability in the skills necessary for the sport (a huge joy to his father and I who adore the game.) He regularly takes batting practice off his tee or just in the hallway by throwing a ball in the air and trying to hit it before it hits the ground. (He can even hit the ball when we soft-pitch it to him.)........ oops, I didn't mean to make a huge paragraph about him... just wanted to mention his language developement. I just got so excited about everything else going on with him. The kid regularly blows us away.
5. My husband has a motorcycle for the first time in ten years. He has wanted one the entire time we have been together, but we haven't been able to make that expenditure until now. The thing that finally helped us make our decision that the time was right is the gas prices. We did the math and realized that the money we would spend on a used bike will be what we save in gas in 6 months! Wow. That's a lot of $$ we will not be giving to the oil companies, but  be able to use elsewhere in our budget.
6. Had my yearly eval with work. Not a single negative comment on the entire thing. (Yay, me!)
7. We have a new nephew. Born 02.10.2012. I should be meeting him in a month or so and this makes me very excited. I currently have 11 neices and nephews, all but three of them are under the age of 4! It makes family gatherings so much fun. I love my neices and nephews.

There is plenty of other stuff that has happened this month, but those are the big highlights...