Testimony (a piece of it) and Triggers (a book review)

A couple years ago, I finally admitted to myself that I struggle with anger. Before I was able to admit it, I would NEVER have used the word “angry” to describe myself. I wasn’t angry, I was upset, frustrated, annoyed, passionate, but not angry. Then, God started doing some hard work on my angry little heart and I was able to finally confess my weakness and sins relating to my anger battle.

After having confessed that I was angry, I was on the hunt for tools, books, tricks, etc. to deal with this issue. However, I still struggled with fully owning my problem and looked to my exterior triggers to point the blame: if my house weren’t so dirty, if my husband were more present, if my kids weren’t so stubborn... In my quest of materials to help me “fix” my problems, I stumbled across a link on The MOB Society for a Facebook group dedicated to helping moms of boys deal with “mommy-anger.” I clicked the link to join the private group, hoping there I would find something that would teach me how to “fix” my boys, so I could quit being such an angry mom.

For months, I was in the group, but never really present or active. Then, one day I commented on a post and before I knew it, I had changed the notifications of the group to notify me of every post and was catapulted deeper into this journey than I had ever imagined I would be. Amber and Wendy faithfully and lovingly presented convicting, Scripture-based truths which began to revolutionize my mothering and my anger journey. I had grown up in an “angry home” and knew I didn’t want yelling to be the soundtrack of my children’s lives, so I kept pushing into Jesus and using the group as a tool to help keep my focus on the issue.

In the summer of 2015, they started a series, based on “triggers”, in the group which pushed me even deeper. It was a tumultuous time in my life anyway, and this series was like a lifeline. Realizing all my “triggers” were opportunities to push deeper into my Savior and become further refined in His image changed everything.

I was no longer on this journey to fix my kids’ irritating behaviors. I was no longer on this journey to learn “tricks” to help me stop yelling (I had tried many, they all failed because they weren’t addressing the real issue: my heart.) I am now on this journey to grow closer to the Lord and allow Him to create in me a new heart, which will, in-turn, create a new legacy for my children. That is some powerful stuff, I tell you what.

When I heard that Amber and Wendy had decided to take that “triggers” series and use it as the grounds for a book, I was ecstatic. When I received my pre-release PDF copy of Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake, I instantly started using it as a daily devotional. It was convicting, but encouraging, and has stirred in me a desire to parent my children the way my Good, Good Father has parented me through all my years of immaturity and behavioral issues toward Him.

I am halfway through my second time in the book, this time helping to lead a wonderful international group of women through a study of it. I am planning on hosting a book study for moms local to me. I want to buy copies for every mom I know, because it is just.that.good. It is like no other parenting book I have ever read. I cannot urge you enough to get yourself a copy, it will be money very well spent and your children and your children’s children will thank you for it. (You can click on the banners on the side bar or the footer of my page, or find it on Amazon!)

Strong

As I have mentioned before, there are parts of my story which are painful to me. Growing up, one of the ways I learned to cope with these things was by pretending they either didn’t exist or didn't bother me. I was stronger, braver, smarter. I could handle this, and more, on my own, because I was not a victim, I was an over-comer. When I thought of the kind of woman I wanted to be when I grew up, I knew wanted to be one who could "keep it all together." The one who managed to take life in stride, with a smile on my face, ignoring the tears stinging the corners of my eyes. I’ve been seeing a thing going around Facebook lately which expresses pretty much this same thought, “Strong women know how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say, ‘I’m ok’ with a smile.” (Some of the ones I see credit Joyce Meyers, some credit an unknown source, personally, whoever said it first doesn't make a hill of beans to me...)

The last few years of my life have been quite trying, with 2015 topping them all. Years ago, I would have plastered on a beautiful, but fake smile, lifted up my chin and pretended like it wasn’t phasing me. Life happens, you put on your big girl panties and go on. But God has been using the last few years of trials and hurts to help me see and understand a lot about myself and Him, and I am quite convinced that pretending I have it all together is not what makes me a strong woman. What makes me a strong woman is being able to admit that I can’t do it on my own, and allowing God’s strength to show up and compensate for my weakness.

Once I  stopped hiding behind the pretense of keeping it together, and started being able to confess my weakness, I started receiving healing for so many things, many of which I didn’t even realize I needed healing for! I have come to realize one very important truth which proves how very wrong my coping-mechanism was: God can’t heal what I am not willing to confess is broken. For years, I cried out for God to change things in me and my life, but still couldn’t confess my weakness, because in doing so, I was admitting I didn't have it all together and I was broken by things. When I was finally able to stand before Him and admit all my pride and efforts to keep my life in in order were vanity, I was able to move out of the way and let Him do His much needed work in my life.

I still have a long way to go with my healing/restoration process. God is still working out a lot of old junk that I had crammed away in my pretense of keeping it all together. However, I have no doubts that I would not be where I am today, and would not have the experienced healing I have, if I kept plastering on a smile and pretending I was "ok."

Now, when I think about the kind of woman I want to be when I grow up, I know I don’t want to be a woman people look at and see as having it all together, I want to be a woman people look at and see God holding it all together. Because, honestly, I can’t do this on my own and I know the only way I can keep a real smile on my face is if I let God have it all.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9